Tag Archives: widowhood

The fallow to the harrow/Let me cry

I’ve used this face before. It is the careworn defiance face, a self-portrait of the wife of the patient, taken mid-December 2011.  Mark and I had been through hell, and we were so tired. If we’d known how few rivers we … Continue reading

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Two-Percenters/Finn (again)

“…and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent…” Finn Butler This week, my sister … Continue reading

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All hallows, all saints

In my memory banks, there are two November 7ths that I spent with Mark. Our November 7, 1992 wedding, and the last anniversary we had together, in 2011, the day that Mark almost died. (Landmark anniversaries and new theologies) Trauma … Continue reading

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Prayers of the antagonostics

I am scared today God. Slept hard, woke up exhausted, spent, alone. Thank you for the quiet center in this space where you are. I apologize. I am very sorry that it takes a bulldozer, a crane, a trained hostage negotiator, sixteen mules, … Continue reading

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Operating instructions

The moment came in the dying, then in being seated with the dead. Before you ever found your footing, the quilt was laid across your shoulders. The heft of it kept you grounded, so much so that in the first … Continue reading

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Champagne/real pain

And what to do with this? The champagne that I’d bought to celebrate the end of treatments and Mark’s victory over cancer. Representative of failure, a moment in the grocery store and my sudden, half-assed attempt to rouse his spirits … Continue reading

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Whatever is true

I had a great birthday. Birthdays are not my thing. I don’t handle them well. From childhood on, the days leading up to my August birthday have always been a minefield of hurt feelings. I become hypersensitive (more than usual), … Continue reading

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