Solitude vs Alone

Okay. Why is it okay to be alone at home or in my car, but incredibly uncomfortable to be alone in a public place?

I love to go to jazz clubs and listen to live music. There’s a great dive not too far from home. I have found that I can’t go by myself without pain, and I mean pain like I’m slowly being ripped apart from the inside out.

It’s not because jazz reminds me of Mark. He didn’t like jazz. Mark seldom liked to go out at all. I was often going by myself to movies, theater, clubs – and it was fine. (I actually preferred going to movies by myself.) Now, being out alone feels like there’s a neon sign over my head that says “MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN ALONE.” It feels heavy, like there’s an anchor across my feet. Like I’m the chubby girl left on the dance floor, unchosen. Like I am alternate-reality Mary Bailey, the fearful, dowdy spinster that Clarence the angel shows George Bailey, scuttling home. Alone.

Pisses me off. I loved my solitude. Damn.

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About Vicki Caroline Cheatwood

Writerly. Rebooting. Evolving. Searching for great chicken salad.
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2 Responses to Solitude vs Alone

  1. barbeep says:

    I understand the feeling that you feel marked. I have been alone for a long time. I still feel like a sore thumb when out alone even after all this time. Why do we let societal mores do this to us? We are perfectly able to take care of ourselves & have the right to go anywhere we want with someone or not! However – (yep it’s there!) – one thing I have learned about myself over these many years is that I am better when I share my life with someone. I have siblings to share somethings with, wonderful friends to share many things, but I really would like to have someone to be around when I come home from somewhere & am busting to tell someone! I love my solitude very much, but would very much like to have someone to share everything!

  2. You’ll have it again.

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