Living in H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T.

Am I hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I am operating out of a deficit. My baseline is in the basement. If you ask, “How are you?” I will usually say that I am doing okay, because most of the time, I believe it. The truth, which I have to come to realize over and over again, is that I am standing in a deep hole, fighting physical and mental fatigue. My body/mind is wrecked by stress and neglect. Nearly every day is a struggle to achieve a basic routine. My faith is in here, somewhere, but I can’t feel it right now.

Fear and anguish, exhaustion and so much anger. Those, I feel.

Stop. Have I eaten lately? What am I feeling, what’s beneath the anger? Have I made contact, real contact with a human being lately? How much sleep did I get last night, or the night before?

Eat a little something. Take the medications. Lie down, put your feet up. Breathe.

This is life lived in increments, thousands of baby-steps, and it’s infuriating. And necessary.

NO, I want to scream, I WANT MY LIFE BACK! WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?

This too shall pass. Hopefully I will not pass before it does.

I have not spoken to Mark in almost four months. I am almost fifty years old, I am worn out, and I am so alone.

Stop. Breathe. H.A.L.T.

Breathe.

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About Vicki Caroline Cheatwood

Writerly. Rebooting. Evolving. Searching for great chicken salad.
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2 Responses to Living in H.A.L.T.

  1. Shannon says:

    Vicki, I think it was John Thornburg who once said there are two meanings to the phrase, “I’ll pray for you” — one indicating that I will pray along with you; the other saying that I will pray in your place while you are unable to even summon up a prayer. Your beautiful writings help me – many, many miles away – to pray *for* you, I hold you in spirit as you walk this awful, painful, heartbreaking journey through the valley of the shadow and live in the darkness and uncertainty and exhaustion. I pray on your behalf, I pray alongside you, I pray… So know that when you struggle just to breathe, someone’s got your back. Breathe.

  2. Leave it to John Thornburg – and you – to bring this around to exactly where I need it to be. Thank you, Shannon. I am wrapped up in the cool, comforting waters this morning. Thank you.

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